From time to time we are able to use our ‘industry contacts’ to secure top level interviews. We may have the web signature of a weak and feeble carblog but we have the body and mind of a King… errr I mean a website juggernaut. And because we are small, as our two daily readers will attest, we can at least still punch above our weight. But even we were surprised when we got a call from Zayn Malik’s agent who said the former 1 Direction super-mega manchild star wanted to hook up with us for an interview claiming he was a fan of the ‘shite’.
Who were we to refuse this once in a lifetime offer. Zayn’s agent first told us to meet up at a West London recording studio where he was developing another album titled “The Puppy Dog Gets Slaughtered”.
As we entered the studio we were led down a white corridor. Upon a sudden we heard what sounded like someone screaming, clearly, a male voice bellowing and echoing throughout the building. At first we were going to turn and flee thinking that we had stumbled upon a crime being committed.
However our chaperone told us not to worry, it was Zayn rehearsing and that Auto-Tune software would “tidy up the mess”. Finally, we made it into the recording studio where Zayn was puffing away on a cigarette. Introductions were made, pleasantries exchanged and the interview kicked off with Zayn offering us a cigarette.
Zayn Malik: “Cigarette?”.
DCB: Yes we know.
Zayn Malik: “Thanks for coming down guys, I love your web-shite, pleased to be regular daily reader number 3 which is two steps up from 1, ho-ho. Hope the singing didn’t put you off as you entered the building, i’d be penniless if weren’t for these vocal processing software gizmos.”
DBC: “Yes Zayn, your singing is… impressive, in the same way it’s impressive watching a Killer Whale take a dump in a zoo.”
Zayn Malik: That’s a great compliment, thanks so much for the support”
DCB: “Yes… you’re welcome.. ahem!”. So we are here to talk about cars, tell us about the first car you ever owned?”
Zayn Malik: “Oh, it were a 2003 Nessan Primera, great car that, my dad bought it so that I could learn to drive. As a British Asian we like our Neesans, cheap as chips and runs for ever. Mine only had 315,000 miles on clock and even came fitted with three wheels, that’s luxury if you are a first time Neesan owner, bye-eck I were proud of it. When 1D took off I got a Bentley Continental GT. Still prefer the beaten up Neesan!”.
DCB: “What’s the next car on your list?”
Zayn Malik: “I don’t know yet, because I am a worldwide superstar and not some ‘Mickey-Mouse’ Z-list, Celebrity Big Brother loser I don’t have to keep re-kickstarting my career so I actually get chauffeured around a lot these days. When I’m in London I take public transport. But I make sure I go in disguise, I wear a fake beard and really thick glasses. I like London’s public transport, the filth, the grime, the sneezing, coughing, yelling, staring, overcrowding, shoving, pushing, rudeness, germs, overpricing. Having the feeling that world is against you and being overcharged for a poor service, I love all that.”
This interview was arranged to specifically promote Zayn’s future album “The Puppy Dog Gets Slaughtered” so we were ‘obliged’ to ask questions about it.
DCB: “Can you talk about the album you are working on at the moment, The Puppy Dog Gets Slaughtered. Why did you choose such a inflammatory album title?”
Zayn Malik: “Well you see it’s really about human kind’s propensity to destroy all that is good on this planet, and the slaughtered puppy dog is a metaphor for morality, a narrative if you will between good vs evil, a struggle to do the right thing when so many times we want to take short cuts and in doing so end up making bad decisions. For example why do people go to the gym and then go for a coffee break. It doesn’t make any sense to me, a cafe-latte is loaded with sugar and coffee dehydrates you, I mean after a work out you should take fluids to rehydrate yourself, not the other way round. I mean why? what’s it all about eh?. Me, I don’t do gyms, don’t have a membership and its the most liberating thing in the world. I just light a fag and look cool for the paps. And another thing…
Indeed Zayn went on and on and for some time….. after an hour of sitting there listening to Zayn’s views on eco-fundamentalism, geo-politics, Syria, Donald Trump and Donald Duck we soon realised we were being used as a prop to promote the “Puppy Dog Gets Slaughtered”. At one point Zayn became distracted while signing a publicity portrait for us to take back to the office.
That was the last straw, indeed the moment we were looking for. Without warning, we fled the recording studio, ran to the front door and tried to get out. But it was locked so we had to smash our way through the window so desperate were we to escape Zayn’s boring mono-speech.
We thought we made it out safely, but then we heard Zayn shouting out aloud from behind us ” Wait you’ve forgotten the signed photo guys.” We scattered and ran in any direction, in front of a bus, down a man hole cover anywhere to escape Zayn’s demented talk. Currently, we are in hiding fearful of ever having to interview the world’s most boring celebrity ever again.