The Volkswagen Tiguan is bloody awful, we should know we had one on our dwindling long-term test fleet and concluded it was… bloody awful. The Tiguan demographic is ruled by the cocaine-addled middle classes who spend their time harbouring grudges against their non Tiguan owning neighbours. These curtain-twitching Tiguanistas also engage in a state of constant war over the size of their neighbour’s hedges, screaming and hollering one minute then hiding behind charitable donations to exorcise their hypocrisy.

Volkswagen fuels this existence of deplorable behaviour and now they seek to extend this social hellscape with the introduction of four new models to the Tiguan lineup. The Tiguan Black Edition prices start from £42,000 in the UK with the plugin hybrid model following later this month. Research studies show that bloody awful people buy the bloody awful Tiguan, two peas in a pod made for one another.

The bloody awful Volkswagen Tiguan is boring, the name is boring and people who buy one are boring and mostly it is bloody awful. Save your money and buy a Tesla Model Y, research studies show most Tesla owners smoke cannabis which has a lot less impact on global warming man.

Anyway do not buy the bloody awful Tiguan, new or used, because we want to save the world from mediocrity, and if we change but one mind, that is one soul saved.