We know—we’re hard on Volkswagen. But damn it, they earn it. We’ve had two of their long-termers, and not once did they live up to the gushing love letters written by motoring journalists. You know the ones—dutifully swooning under the watchful eye of senior editors and brand-conscious directors, desperate for another invite to those ghastly “relationship-building” media soirées. It’s not journalism—it’s theatre. Fake authority wrapped in faux-objectivity, and it couldn’t be further from our own experience.

The Volkswagen Tiguan long-termer was bloody awful, and the Arteon was good in parts but overall bloody irritating. Running out of ideas isn’t new in the car industry, and when a manufacturer does hit that creative wall, they tend to fall back on gimmicks—cue the return of the dreaded Black Edition spec. Yes, the Black Edition, the grim reaper of automotive imagination, is back, now haunting the VW ID.4 and ID.5.

Both editions are a pick-and-mix from Volkswagen’s options list, adorned in a black-and-white two-tone look. There are no mechanical changes—no upgraded powertrains. You’ll still struggle to get anywhere near 300 miles of range in either model. But apparently, the Black Edition is meant to provide just enough mental gymnastics to distract you from range anxiety. Because, of course, the UK charging network is perfectly reliable at all times. Right.

For this slap in the face, Volkswagen wants a minimum of £47,900 for the ID.4 and £47,680 for the ID.5. As for when they go on sale—honestly, I don’t care enough to find out. I didn’t been know there was an ID5 until today.

Wait, I meant to be a trained motoring journalist?