The main reason why we would never spend £80k on a BMW X3 M or X4 M is because we simply cannot afford do so. We here at DCB are pretending to be motoring journalists. This “status” puts us at the very bottom of an already lowly paid profession.

So our misfortune got us thinking, what is the BMW X3 M and X4 M for and who is it aimed at? We’ll answer the first question last.

In discovering who is a potential BMW X3 M and X4 M buyer we had to do a bit of journalism.

Based on research we discovered the typical BMW X3 and X4 buyer is successful, an overwhelming majority are at the top of their profession.

In addition, a typical BMW buyer is often upper middle class, snorts cocaine during working hours, and after a busy day at the office returns to his (majority “his”) luxury city flat to take methamphetamines.

Owning and being seen in a powerful BMW is a status symbol, a badge of honour. A sign of success-plus-success.

These potential buyers take little notice of the innovation that lurks beneath. For example. The newly developed 510bhp-600Nm straight-six engine has a 3D printed cylinder head.

No, the cocaine-soaked, methamphetamine loaded BMW X3 M and X4 M driver/owner is just interested in the status symbolism. They will be too spaced out to notice the 0-62mph time of 4.1 seconds.

And by the time they realise the top speed is 174mph, de-restricted, they will be either in handcuffs or driving of the edge of a cliff on their way to a cocaine binge in the south of France.

But what really irritates us about the BMW X3 M and X4 M is the price, £77k and £79k respectively.

That’s just way too much to pay for either one or the other or the either-other-one. And there is only so much power a cocaine-addled, methamphetamine, successful high-functioning, high-flying city type can fathom to use.

We actually did more journalism. And we discovered you can buy an entry-level X3 for £39k, the X4 for £43k.

If you buy a BMW X3 M or X4 M new depreciation will knock off around 35-percent. Money that could otherwise be saved and spent to fuel a high flying city career. But the highly successful and highly intoxicated BMW X3 M and or X4 M buyer will not notice.

For the price of the X3 M and X4 M you easily afford a new X5, X7, 8 Series Coupe or 7 Series. So why would you even consider downsizing to the X3 M or X4 M? For the power?

As Damocles discovered, power isn’t everything it is merely an illusion. A sensory distortion.

And that really sums up who the typical buyer will be for the X3 M and X4 M. They will be so wacked out on a mix of cocaine and speed that they will sign on the dotted line without thinking.

Our professional journalism advice is… don’t buy the BMW X3 M or X4 M and don’t buy into the marketing surrounding it. It’s just hype.

We suggest to you high flying, successful city type, just continue buying cocaine and methamphetamines if you want a speed fix. It’s a lot cheaper than either the X3 M or X4 M.

Top quality journalism and advice from a top-quality carblog… we should have quit this business years ago…