As a media publisher (AHEM!) and car review entity, we don’t have much to do with BMW in any meaningful sense. To be honest, based on past experiences, they are be a pain in the arse to deal with — stuck in their ivory tower, looking down on the plebs below. As if they are doing the world a favour.

If they aren’t gaslighting us about how great they are, they simply revert to diesel-gating. But BMW’s diesel-gating days are well and truly over. I’m sure, however, they’ll find another Machiavellian project to help them elbow their way back to the top.

But in the spirit of fairness and journalistic neutrality — which, I truly believe, doesn’t exist because it never has — we’re taking the time to mark October 1 as BMW Day.

Back To Black

BMW has looked at the X3 M50 xDrive and apparently concluded: “Yes, but what if we made the sensible family SUV considerably more bonkers?”

So, from December, the X3 M50 gets 443 hp from its 3.0-litre turbocharged straight-six. That’s 45 hp more than before, enough to propel this enormous Bavarian lunchbox from 0–100 km/h in 4.4 seconds.

Or 4.1 seconds if you use BMW’s one-foot rollout measurement, which is essentially giving the car a tiny head start and hoping nobody notices.

And then there’s the Black Package.

This adds 22-inch black wheels, black brake callipers, black badges and enough Alcantara inside to upholster a small opera house. There’s blue stitching, carbon-look trim, M-coloured details and CraftedClarity glass, because apparently pressing a button now needs the tactile experience of operating a Swiss watch.

It all looks tremendously serious. Which is slightly awkward, because beneath the motorsport cosplay this is still an X3. It will probably spend more time outside Waitrose than Spa-Francorchamps.

But that misses the point. The X3 M50 now has 443 hp, four-wheel drive and a straight-six. Priced in the UK from £81,569 OTR it is will depreciate faster than the performance figures suggest.