Recently my twice removed cousin, from a distant branch of the family, who are descendants of the Neanderthals, namely Jeremy Clarkson said he was offered back his old Top Gear job by a BBC Executive. As you may know that ‘gimboid’ Chris Evans, who replaced Jeremy, downplayed this by saying my cousin was hearing voices in his head. Jeremy telephoned me shortly after Evan’s made those remarks on his radio show, he was in a state of tears. With his voice trembling as he spoke Jeremy said he felt betrayed by Chris Evans whom he regarded as a friend and that ‘Mr Carrot’, as Jeremy calls him, was a complete ‘smeg-head‘. I agreed. But what I didn’t tell Jeremy then was that the BBC also approached me to replace my erstwhile presenter cousin. That’s right Chris Evans wasn’t even the BBC’s second choice he was the ‘turd’. (this post really is plummeting the depths of 1990’s humor). Nevertheless I considered the BBC’s offer seriously. The BBC first made contact when I heard my downstairs windows smash whilst asleep in my Grade II listed Georgian manor house. Someone had thrown a stone through the windows with a note attached, its not uncommon for this to happen in the Cotswolds. The note was from the Director General of the BBC, Tony Hall, or as I call him Andy. Andy, who happens to live next door, requested a meeting at BBC HQ, I duly made my way excited at the prospect of being asked to present the worlds most watched factual television show. That or they were offering me back the Kitchen Porter job. In Bristol. Finally, I thought, I can get the recognition dailycarblog.com will never give, I want fame, I like the adulation, I like the attention because I am vain, television needs me more than I need it. Chris Evans and I do share similarities. Well really the BBC pay ‘top dosh’. I would be the perfect fit, I look and sound like Jeremy Clarkson but by golly-gosh I’m actually funnier. But during the meeting Andy made it clear that I would need to follow guidelines, they wanted me to follow the rules, they wanted to interfere. My response was this “I can’t do ‘Smashie and Nicey’ ‘Radio Fab FM’ presenting, if you want that then get bloody Chris Evans. He’s turned into something he fought against, the smashie and niceies of the entertainment world. Besides Chris Evans lacks creativity, you mark my words when he runs out of ideas he always dons a ladies wig or appears in a naked scene. He has no talent to match Jeremy nor I” And with that I punched Andy in the face and stormed out of the BBC. Thankfully the BBC handled the punching incident behind closed doors and not in public like they did with cousin Jeremy. Now I am back to cleaning windows and shoe-shinning for the good people of the Cotswolds, god I love the city bankers who stole our money by engineering the 2009 stock market crash, they really do pay well.