Skoda has proudly unveiled the new all-electric, range-topping performance versions of the boring but bland Enyaq VRS and Enyaq Coupe VRS. Apparently, someone at Skoda thought what the world really needed was more performance in a car already designed to emotionally flatline.

UK customers can expect to part with £51,660 for a car that supposedly offers 340 miles of range, but in reality manages about 280 on a good day, with a tailwind, and if you’re feeling especially boring but bland behind the wheel.

If your personality is beige wallpaper and your dreams involve spreadsheets, then congratulations: the Skoda Enyaq—in any of its thrilling bodystyles—is the car for you.

Let’s be clear: this is a truly absurd amount of money to spend on something so thoroughly boring but bland. This top-tier exercise in mediocrity arrives fully loaded with gadgets, gizmos, and enough glossy black trim to make it look slightly less boring but bland.

Simply stupid? Naturally. If you’ve got £50,000 to incinerate, you might as well actually set it on fire. The flames would offer more drama than the Enyaq VRS ever could. Or, and hear me out—put a down payment on a Porsche 911, a car with actual pulse, heritage, and the audacity to not be boring or bland.

Alternatively, buy a used V8 coupe. Yes, it might leak oil, make strange noises, and require occasional prayer to keep running—but at least it has a soul. And it won’t lull you into a coma every time you look at it.

So go ahead—break free from the shackles of the boring but bland. Take a risk. Make a statement. Just don’t buy the Skoda Enyaq VRS. Your senses will thank you.