They have the best writers, the best editors the best production values, they the best of everything, they want for nothing they are the best of the best… they are Top Gear. You know what an industry veteran of motoring journalism once told me? “we expect you to smooch.”

“NO!” I declared and stormed out of the meeting. James was suggesting that I, I, the Jeramy Clarkson get down on my KNEES! and become subservient to the whims of a car manufacturer if I am to get ahead in this world motoring journalism.

In the world of motoring journalism, it doesn’t matter how good a writer you are, how perfect your grammar is, or how great an editor you are. What really matters is how good you are at being an A Class sycophant, overall, at the end of the day, it’s really about advertising revenue.

It seems that motoring journalists and their motoring publications are being held hostage, they identify with their captors by giving them pointless awards. Yes, the annual motoring press award season, it’s value has plummeted this year, and it was already at a very low value before that.

Influential Top Gear has thankfully devalued the whole purpose of their annual award season by awarding Renault the manufacturer of the year prize. Fucking HELL! RENAULT! What the hell were they thinking about?

The least deserving car manufacturer to receive an award is Renault, terrible engines, terrible reliability, too much EHH!, UHH! OOOH! This is a company that hired Carlos Ghosn, the fugitive thief and former CEO who was praised by the motoring press for boasting about “cost killing” initiatives at Renault.

But you didn’t need a CEO’s casual boast to realise Renault makes cars as cheaply as possible, then spends vast sums on advertising to convince you that what you’re buying is not transport, but an experience. Something ethereal. Something spiritual. Something that absolutely cannot be measured… largely because it doesn’t exist.

Renault have been making cars badly for years, and that trend, yes it is a trend for Renault, will continue for indefinitely. They are not a car manufacturer, indeed, I am pretty sure Renault is trying to destroy the car industry, have us return to using horse and cart and have us all “eeting zee bugs.”

So thank you, Top Gear. I once respected you. And oddly enough, I still do. Because by awarding Renault Manufacturer of the Year, you’ve finally exposed the entire awards circus for what it really is.

Evening all. Merry Christmas!