Thank you BMW, thank you… thank you for selling cars at risk of sudden-stall, 300,000 and counting, and the numerous electrical issues, thank you for the rear-springs that eventually chime giving you advance notice they need replacing, thank you for the cars that caught fire when the battery connection failed. And I am sure the South Koreans would also like to thank you for selling them rubbish cars, rubbish cars that are at risk of setting alight because it has a BMW badge, a hallmark of performance and inevitable failure.

And thank you BMW for revealing the dreadfully bland Z4, reborn for the sixth time, reborn so that the few people who will buy one will be satisfied to know that it will be a premium motoring luxury experience recall waiting to happen. Thank you BMW goddamn thank you, you had a chance to make something wonderful the initial Z4 concept looked great, we believed in you and what did you do? you gave us the Z4 First Edition, a classic in the making perhaps but let us hope and pray it is reliable and not liable to multiple faults. Thank you BMW, thank you and forgive us here on DCB forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against the innocent BMW consumer who has been led into temptation but cannot be delivered from evils of unreliability. I trusted in BMW, Oh lord I have fallen short for I know without a fully reliable BMW I have no right to believe in the message of “the ultimate driving machine” otherwise known as creative marketing parlance. For this reason, oh BMW-God, I am not permitted to approach your throne of performance grace… because the insurance is too bloody expensive. Oh Lord BMW you have fallen short of your own standards (that are evidently rubbish) I know that your holy standard, once your inner strength has been cleansed of all meaning. Oh Lord BMW, you could have redeemed yourself with the Z4 but you gave into temptation and released it to the masses when you should have made an incredible looking car in limited quantities. You wanted to feed the masses, for this reason, and the reasons outlined already, you BMW Z4 are rubbish looking (it looks like a Fiat Mazda Spider), probably-maybe unreliable and probably-maybe rubbish and that is why you are the worst (potentially fatal) car of the week.