BMW has built a new X5, and rather than just, you know, building a new X5, they’ve decided to treat it like a school science project titled “What if we added everything?”

This is the fifth-generation X5, currently circling BMW’s Spartanburg plant like it’s trying to remember what it went out there to do in the first place. And when it finally arrives, it won’t just be one car. Oh no. It’ll be five. Petrol, diesel, plug-in hybrid, electric, and hydrogen. Because apparently choosing an SUV wasn’t difficult enough already.

The electric one, the iX5, is the headline act. It’s got an 800-volt system, a gigantic battery, and enough power to make small tectonic adjustments.

All very impressive, although at this point it’s less “ultimate driving machine” and more “portable power station with leather seats”.

Then there’s the hydrogen version, arriving in 2028, which is like storing explosive gas in carbon-fibre tanks and calling it progress. BMW insists it’s clever packaging. Others might call it “optimistic”.

Underneath it all is something called the “Heart of Joy”, which sounds less like a drivetrain controller and more like a scented candle you’d buy in a motorway service station.

It apparently reacts ten times faster than before, which is good news, because you’ll need something quick to work out which of your five powertrains you’ve accidentally selected.

Add in 23-inch wheels, driver aids, and enough acronyms to start a small language, and you’ve got a car that can do everything.

Which, as history repeatedly proves, usually means it does none of it cheaply.